Thursday, July 17, 2014

Don't Let It In The Door!

From the fevered brain of Mary Jane Maffini aka Victoria Abbott  


It came in through the front door and ate our brains. Then another one came and another. No, not aliens. How passé.  I’m talking about mail order catalogs and a few in particular. 

The latest to arrive is Hammacher Schlemmer mid-summer supplement. It will take pride of place next to Signals and Lee Valley’s Make Summer Sizzle.

It wasn’t long before my husband stood in the doorway and said, “I have to have this.  Lifetime warranty,”

I gawked at the image. “The Remote Controlled Tarantula? Really?”   Of course, I immediately could see applications for this. Better not to go down that road.  Some people have weak hearts.  Still …
I said, “It says indoor use only but I notice they have The Best Nose Hair Trimmer.”

“Very funny, but look at this!” he said, flipping pages with a wild look in his eye. “The Hand Reflexology Massager.”

“Huh. Pricey, but how about The Dance of the Musical Plum Fairy Porcelain Musical Egg? It comes with a certificate of authenticity. Don’t shake your head just because it has a dancing fairy. Maybe we should get The Live Video Camera Drone?” 

He raised an eyebrow. “That drone’s over a thousand dollars. We have to be practical.  The Laser Illuminating Binoculars, now they’d be useful.   You can illuminate objects in the dark over 150 yards away. Quite reasonably priced.

“The neighbors will be thrilled. But hey, there’s The Portable Pet Staircase or Ramp. And The Grill Cleaning Robot plus …” 

We want that portable pet staircase. We're not getting any younger!

And so it will go, until a new catalog comes along. Hours of first-class entertainment.  One of these days we’ll cave yet again and order something.  I am keeping a list of amusing possibilities. There are no tarantulas on it.  

How about you?  Are you a catalog junkie? What’s the weirdest thing you ever bought? Don't hold back!


Unknown said...

I am definitely a catalog junkie. I have a couple of friends who are also catalog junkies, and when we get together the air is alive with the sound of "Oh...look at this!" I have always said that if I ever hit the lottery (not likely since I don't play) I will sit home and order from catalogs to my heart's content. As it is, I don't actually BUY much from catalogs (usually more practical stuff), it's more like window shopping from home. But it is so fascinating and entertaining to look through catalogs that I just can't help myself.

Dr. Mary Kennedy said...

I used to save (and read! and buy from!) every catalogue that came through the door until my house finally looked like something out of HOARDERS. I decided to do an "intervention" and now I toss out 75% of them right out of the mailbox. If they get in the house, I'm a goner.

Mary Jane Maffini said...

Glad I'm not alone in this! It is fun, isn't it? Hugs,

Mary Jane Maffini said...

That's the spirit, Mary. Probably what I should do too. An intervention for catalogs! Snort.


Grandma Cootie said...

I was doing fine reading this post and laughing until you said portable pet staircase, and then it was "what, what, I need that, this pug isn't getting any younger or lighter and his surgeon (yeah, his surgeon) said we should carry him up and down the stairs."

I can spend hours reading the catalogs and making a detailed list of what I need, and nothing I think I have to have sounds weird until I say it out loud to someone else and get that look. I try to throw them straight in the trash because I'm doomed if I even peek.

Themysteryreader said...

These are not catalogs!
These are, dream manuals!!! Lol

Leann Sweeney said...

Unfortunately, catalogs unless they are SPECIFICALLY for me having to do with cooking or crafts, are put in the recycle bin before they enter the house. I live with a hoarder in waiting. For him, catalogs must always be saved for a later date. Every time a catalog has sat on table for a month and I have asked "Do we still NEED this?" the answer is always "YES." So, I must be proactive. You have no idea how many ancient catalogs and magazines I found (circa 1995 or even earlier) when we were decluttering to move from Texas. I am in charge now. So either I take a quick peek and immediately get rid of them or they are gone like they never existed. :-)

Mary Jane Maffini said...

I love your comment. Our doxies are 14 pounds so we can carry them, but I think there's a ramp in their future. I also get 'the look'. Hugs!

Mary Jane Maffini said...

So true, Sherry! Shiny pretty dreams. Hugs.

Mary Jane Maffini said...

I totally get that, Leann. I am married to a man who kept the punch cards from his thesis in 1969. I am in change of tossing stuff.