Sunday, June 5, 2011

Resisting the Resistance

by Leann

This past week has been tough. Besides nursing my husband back to health and comforting my precious cat--who died yesterday afternoon--I hurt my back last weekend. Could hardly walk. But in the back of my mind, I was thinking, "This is from stress. Your body reacts before your mind. Listen to what it is telling you." Pretty hard to listen when your back is screaming, but I did think about it.

Yesterday morning, I came to the realization that I have been fighting a world that does not acknowledge those of us with "invisible illnesses." And I need to stop. I cannot enlighten the masses. Pretty narcissistic of me to think I could. I can only focus on recovery. I can only take care of me and stop worrying about what other people think. Everyone has their own invisible demons, mine just happen to be three rotten, energy sapping illnesses.

The cue that this unconscious insight was worming itself to the surface is evidenced by renewed excitement about the book I am writing. Although my writing days are shorter in length and fewer per week, I look forward to making my story people do their job and solve the mystery. They don't require much validation, they don't move in circles, resisting the resistance. They simply require my help to bring them to life and to be smart. That's some good fun.

RIP Indigo--Himalayan, bossy, beautiful, intuitive, smart and my constant companion from 1995-2011. She is playing with a sewing measuring tape, her favorite toy, on the Rainbow Bridge.

24 comments:

Vickie said...

I am so sorry to hear about Indigo. It is so hard to lose a family member.

Mardel said...

Sorry about your cat.

I also know what it feels like to have diseases and disabilities that aren't readily obvious...I get tired of explaining I can't breath when family members are bugging me to get up on the dance floor (used to dance a lot) or the fact that if I move a certain way it feels like I'm getting an electric shock in my back and down my legs...and that's just a small part of it.

All you can do is try to take care of yourself and stay as happy as you can. It's good that you're writing - though it might not be as often as you want to. I don't get to read as fast as I want anymore...life is full of changes. But it's good to know that there's fun things around - pets, books, writers, grandchildren, flowers, etc.

Have a good week. Maybe get a kitten if it's not too soon. When ever we had a pet that passed, it always helped us to get another one soon...there's this empty space. But everyone needs to go at their own pace with that.

Dru said...

Sorry about Indigo. She is definitely smiling down upon you.

I know exactly what you mean, and the best is to be true to yourself by taking care, being happy and doing what pleases you.

Aurian said...

My condolences on losing Indigo. Please take care of yourself, and listing to your back.

Sandie Herron said...

Leann, Sweetie, you have my sympathies over everything! I know precisely how you're feeling since I recently went through the same experiences. My cat died at the end of March at 19 1/2 years with us. My husband has been working seven days a week during tax season, and it hasn't let up yet. I, too, have a slew of those invisible illnesses that make me hurt so badly but that no one can see. It's hard to explain it all to friends and family and worse still when you have to "prove" you are ill over and over to each new doctor you see. I would love to talk more about these topics, if you'd like, but off list so we don't have everyone throwing us a pity party! I'll bring the whine and you bring the cheese! Seriously tho, my sincerest condolences at your many losses.

The Cat Bastet said...

In face of grief mere words are shallow comfort, but when you are overwhelmed with sadness, remember that you gave Indigo a wonderful life and she loved you with all of her heart.

RIP, sweet Indigo.

Cathy Akers-Jordan

Sarita said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Wishing you and your husband healthy, peaceful days ahead.

Sue said...

So Sorry to hear about Indig. She was probably met at pet heaven's gate by my sweet tiny toy poodle Jass. Don't worry Jass will just play with her...she thought she was a cat. I can truly relate to taking care of everyone else and letting yourself not feel. That back pain is a warning for YOU to slow down, have an extra cup of coffee or tea and enjoy life. It's way too short to rush through. Thoughts and prayers go to you and your hubby for speedy recoveries. (((((HUGS))))

Leann Sweeney said...

The support from the online community has been amazing. This is one of the most difficult times of my life but people are so willing to give comfort and kind words. Thanks so much to everyone.

Kristin A. said...

Sending prayers of healing, strength and comfort to you during this difficult season.

Terry Parrish said...

I am so happy to see that the poem I sent is helping. I know it did for me and still does. Thinking of you and your family during this time, and hope you feel better soon.

Barbara said...

I too have an invisible disease which leaves me exhausted with very little to show for it. No one really understands; I think even my husband thinks I'm just lazy. I have to pace myself and do what I need to do to keep myself going. I worked in doctors' offices long enough to know stress makes any disease worse. Please take care of yourself.

Vickie said...

{gentle hugs}

Diane P said...

Sorry about your feline companion.

We all need to stop listening to the "You Should" and listen to our hearts. Your true friends know and love you and will support what you can do.
Take care of your hubby & your self first.

Laineshots said...

Very gentle hugs, Leann. It really does help to know there are people who understand the sadness, frustration, pain, and determination, doesn't it?

Lynda said...

I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers during this difficult time. It's hard enough to lose a loved one like Indigo under normal circumstances, but when dealing with your illnesses and nursing your husband, the added stress must make it that much harder.

My brother was suffering from Lyme Disease but couldn't get treatment - was told Stage 3 Lyme didn't exist, but he could barely function. Finally, it took legislation in his state (CT) to get him proper treatment for his "non-existent" illness. Fortunately it came soon enough that the treatments for him have had an amazing affect-giving him his life back. I hope that eventually you are able to find relief for your own issues as well.

Hang on tight to the things that give you joy, to help you see past the things that could bring you down.

Take care, and I'll keep you in my prayers....

Leann Sweeney said...

Thanks Laine. I am a stubborn and yes determined person. Have been my whole life (and that's why I got that publishing contact--I wasn't taking no for an answer!)

Lynda, I'm glad you posted. I have 3rd stage Lyme (that supposedly doesn't exist). It is a wicked thing. But I am meant to deal with this and some day I will know why. :-)

Ingrid King said...

I'm so sorry about Indigo. I'm sorry her loss came at such a difficult time in your life, but I am also glad you had those final days with her.

This is such a beautiful, and courageous post. Our bodies never lie, we just like to think we can outmaneuver them when it comes to stress. Taking care of ourselves has to come first, or we're not going to be able to be there for anyone else. I'm glad your writing is bringing excitement and joy again - I for one am excited about your next book!

All my best to you, and your husband.

Bella said...

My heart goes out to you Leann. Losing a beloved pet is so hard and then ill health on top of that. My prayers are with you and your family for better days ahead :)

Suzanne said...

So sorry about Indigo.

ev said...

RIP Indigo. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

I gave up long ago trying to get people to "see" that I have an illness that sometimes doesn't bother me much at all and at other times, leaves me sapped. This weekend has been one of those times- I slept for over 10 hours last night and could have kept sleeping if I hadn't forced myself up.

You do what you need to do and screw the rest of them!

Linda McDonald said...

Sending prayers and love your way. I'm so sorry to hear about your Indigo. Yes, she is at the rainbow bridge having much fun while she waits there for you.

Nanc said...

Leann,
May you feel the comfort of all your online friends. The challenges you are facing are difficult but I believe you can overcome with your wonderful attitude and loving spirit..May God comfort you and bring you peace...
Nanc

signlady217 said...

Losing a pet is not easy. All our love and sympathy.

My mom has fibromyalgia and some chemical allergies (new carpets, detergents, etc.) and those things really knock her for a loop some days. And one of my best friends has MS, too. So I have seen the reactions from other people regarding those "invisible" illnesses up close and personal. Aggravating, to say the least.