I know, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks. Sorry. I am alive. I mean I’m not sorry I’m alive, but you know what I mean.

You all seem to sorta like the bullet points. I know I do. It’s a summary of where, who, what and how and sometimes there is something kind of interesting in them. I hope so anyway. So here goes:

1. My dad had back surgery last week. It was a doozy. He’ll get better and be better than before they assure us, but man it has been stressful. I think my mom is totally overwhelmed by it. He came home Friday and I took the night shift with him because their bedroom is upstairs and he can’t go up the stairs yet, so I slept on the couch and he had one of those hospital beds. Needless to say that he was agitated all night, up and down and needing help to the bathroom, wanted water, wanted his glasses, wanted to make sure I gave him his pain medication, his antibiotic and on and on. At one point I felt a little like going Achmed on him. I know that seems like a bad daughter thing to say, but I was losing those warm, loving daughterly feelings at about three in the morning. But we made it through the night, and my mom took over at about 5:30 so I could get some rest. Sure as you know it, my daughter comes in at 7:00 and asks when am I going to get up. I buried my head under the pillow and told her to go and pour herself some cereal. (She wanted a waffle–she didn’t get one). The best part was, my dad tells my mom when he woke up (yes he slept from 5:00 until 10 for her, and then went back down until noon) that it was a good thing he had such a good night’s sleep. Must have been the drugs, or else the two of us were on a separate planet. Oh yeah–drugs can do that for you. Good news is–today he is coherent and attempting to walk without a walker.

2. I cut my hair again. I told you that I would. This time I chopped it all off. It’s boy short and takes all of 5 minutes to do, which is perfect. I don’t even care if it looks good at this point, I just like that it’s easy.

3. Saturday I am speaking at a luncheon to about 200 women, and I’m scared to death. I am supposed to talk about balancing family and career. Ha, ha, ha! I am laughing. The only conceivable way I can actually see a balance ever happening (by balance I suppose it means–time for the family, time for yourself to get all spiritual and healthy and all that jazz, paying the bills, writing, feeding the animals and always looking lovely–give me a break) is by having a lot of help. Seriously. Otherwise, i don’t know about the rest of you but I feel like I do my life half assed (sorry–I know we are supposed the be PG here, but assed isn’t even technically a word). I want to be the best mom and wife and also the best writer I can be. I want to keep the house in order because I really don’t like messes (even though my house is always a mess–ask my friends), oh and I want to be a good friend. I kind of think I’m mediocre at all of it, which is depressing, because all of these things that I want to be good at, I love doing. So, if I’m honest I really don’t know how to balance it all out. I think there are times when one area of your life gets more attention than another and they all rotate in and out. Someone should really clone women. I think we as women should all have three of ourselves stashed in the closet. You have career woman (for me that would be the writer), but I think there should actually be two of those women alone–writer woman and marketing woman (I can already see we’ll need more than three clones here). Then we have housekeeping woman and this one doesn’t just pick things up. She deep clean and keeps the entire house totally organized and knows where everything is at all times. For me, I need mommy woman. She handles all the kid related stuff. Goes to PTA, bakes brownies, drives them everywhere after school, takes time to write little notes and put them in their lunches. She never yells, but maintains this calm demeanor during discipline (ever watch Cesar the dog whisperer–I’m getting this from him) and her children have total respect, love and trust toward her. There should probably be wife woman (you all can probably guess what her duties are). Cooking woman makes incredible gourmet meals that are healthy and will not make any of the other women in this group gain an ounce of weight and she has the help of healthy woman who attends yoga class, kickboxing, meditation, spiritual retreats and says mantras for love, joy, peace, health and wealth. The last woman we need is kick back woman–all she has to do is go to the spa and come out looking spectacular. That’s it. She gets to relax–oh wait that should be me. I didn’t decide what my job was–yes–spa woman! I like her best. There you have it, we need seven women to take care of just one. That would be a really great invention and one heck of a Mother’s Day gift.

4. My last bullet point for the day is that teenage boys suck. Oh crap I just added two more women to the previous list–teenage mom woman (totally separate from Mommy woman because teenage mom has to have special talents like complete and total patience). She handles them and all of their drama with total ease and finesse and never lets them get under her skin. The other woman is therapist woman who listens to the complaints and gripes of the other women. LOL. That would be you all today (maybe some men out there too). So, we all need nine extra selves! That’s my opinion.

Abd, I suppose that teenage boys don’t suck. They’re just difficult at times. The latest is when I try and give them a hug or a kiss on the cheek they pull away and make a face like I’m an alien. I know this will pass, but geez I do think little kids are much easier! Thank God I still have a little one. But everyone says she’ll be the hardest one because she is a girl. Say it isn’t so!

That’s all I have for you. If anyone has nine clones stashed in the closet, send them my way. I’d do it for you.

Cheers,
Michele

P.S. To all the moms: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!