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The Husband Trap

While my esteemed lord and webmaster has many fine qualities, gift-buying is not one of them. It’s not so much the dollars and cents thing — well, actually it is that too, but he prefers to think of it as dollars and “sense.” I have a tendency to pull out all the stops on the holidays — so as you can imagine, right there our…um…Christmas “styles” clash.

But the real source of contention (contention being a mild word for a couple of the awkward moments beneath thy lovely branches) has to do with our own gift exchanges. Yes, sad to say, there have been no Gift of the Magi moments between us. There have been magical moments, but these are more in the nature of the Red Eye of Mordor sending shock waves of death and disaster across the fruited plains and hapless holiday foot soldiers who were just trying to do their best.

The baleful, all-seeing stare being me, and the hapless holiday foot soldiers being Mr. Thrilling.

Reasonably early in the season, Mr. Thrilling and I exchange “wish lists.” The wish lists are mostly made up of old books, and DVDs and CDs and whatever else catches our little heart’s desires during the year. We don’t give each other big things — no cars or diamonds — and we don’t settle on one large mutual gift, like a new sofa or new carpeting, though that might make more sense.

Anyway, we exchange the lists, and as soon as I get his list, I hit the Internet and I begin to click and shop my way down the categories — a couple of CDs, a few books, clothes (whether he wants them or not, because he NEEDS them). And when Christmas morning arrives, lo and behold, he’s got a mountain of presents beneath the tree — of exactly (for the most part) what he wanted.

And I usually have some interesting things I never asked for — and a whole lot of excuses. What, did they move Christmas AGAIN?

It’s made for some interesting moments in a new marriage, I can tell you that much. For example, the twin margarita glasses filled with margarita-flavored jelly beans. Cute idea, yeah? But I don’t like jelly beans, and it seemed a very bad sign to me on our first X-mas that Mr. Thrilling didn’t know that. And that jelly beans and cashew butter were supposed to be a significant part of my holiday loot.

Which is one reason Mr. Thrilling has come to view my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and “Our Anniversary” (which only he can remember anyway, I do confess I’m bad at that stuff) as a “trap.”

We’re…what, less than two weeks away from Christmas? My gifts to Mr. Thrilling are currently speeding their way towards their final destination. What would you like to bet that my gifts are not even ordered yet? I’m serious, you would think that Christmas falls on alternating days, the way it always takes him by surprise.

I guess there’s probably something wrong in the fact that Christmas has become a kind of test between us. Probably not what the Christ child originally intended, I’m guessing. But it’s difficult for me — even knowing this — not to see the holiday gift exchange as a win/fail situation. An obstacle course of proving how well he knows me, and how much he cares.

He knows it matters to me, yet year after year, he…well…flunks. And I can’t help but think — because he’s a very smart guy — that it’s deliberate.

That as much as he dreads my reactions, he feels like I shouldn’t feel the way I do, and that he’s not going to cave into it.

That’s a horrible thing to say, isn’t it? It is. But I guess I want to hear how others deal with the expectations of the season, and if other esteemed husbands have as hard a time jumping through the hoops of fire as mine own.

18 Responses to “The Husband Trap”

When, exactly, did we begin sharing lives? I have exactly the same problem every holiday for exactly the same reasons. You would think after nearly 21 years together I would just accept it and let it go, but for some reason I can’t. Like you, I neither want or expect extravagance. I would appreciate small tokens that show that after all this time he knows what I like. I don’t mind telling him what I like either but he mostly ignores my suggestions and goes out on his own. To me, it’s a test, and every year he fails it. I’m aware that my emotions are probably not fair or reasonable, but that’s how I see it.

by Kimberleigh on December 12th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Oh, wow, I have that same problem with my parents! Every year they ask for a list of things I’d like to have. And I always end up with at least some stuff that makes me wonder if they have even the slightest clue about who I am. *eyes rolling*

by Tori Lennox on December 12th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
From a male perspective…

You ladies are exactly right!

Diana, yes it is wrong that Christmas has become a test between the two of you.
Kimberleigh, yes your emotions are indeed unfair and unreasonable.
And Tori, you are right that your parents don’t know who you really are. Do you really want them to?

Just poking a little fun because I’m usually guilty of the same thing.

Maybe it’s genetics, at least that’s the excuse I’m going with. Perhaps next year when you exchange lists you can exchange them right back and buy the gifts on your own lists. Then if he actually goes out and buys the things on his list for himself you’ll REALLY have something to complain about.

by Tom Allen on December 12th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Maybe it’s genetics, at least that’s the excuse I’m going with. Perhaps next year when you exchange lists you can exchange them right back and buy the gifts on your own lists. Then if he actually goes out and buys the things on his list for himself you’ll REALLY have something to complain about.

Oh no! That would truly be the sign that all is lost.

Once we start buying our own gifts…although…heeeeeey…Tom, you may be on to someting…

by Diana on December 12th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Now, Tori, that’s the part that gets me. Why ASK for a list if you’re just going to go on a rogue shopping spree? Why pretend there’s going to be rhyme or reason to the mass market consumption when you know they’re just waiting for the op to run amuck.

by Diana on December 12th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
I don’t mind telling him what I like either but he mostly ignores my suggestions and goes out on his own. To me, it’s a test, and every year he fails it. I’m aware that my emotions are probably not fair or reasonable, but that’s how I see it.

Yes! And I get so impatient with myself for this because I KNOW it’s not the right holiday spirit — if a stranger gave me some totally weird thing I would be touched at their thoughtfulness, their kindess…so why doesn’t it work like that when the weird thing is homegrown?

by Diana on December 12th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Sigh. Same problem here. My ex used to buy anything I said was cute at the last shopping visit we made. So one year I got Wolf Slippers. The ones that howl when you squeeze their ears. One year I got diamond earrings but he was very disappointed in the size of the earrings. After all when you pay $32 you should get something a little bigger. Big sigh.

My current BF/SO whatever, just doesn’t see the need. He did good our first Christmas. A locket, a bracelet, a teddy bear, and the pots and pans he thought we needed. But since then he doesn’t realize Christmas even exists.

I have to admit I’ve fallen into the non gift giving mode as well. I know its in the giving not the receiving, but I’m just a little tired of giving all the time. All I want is a gift that tells me he really knows who I am and listens when I talk. It doesn’t have to be big but it has to be me.

And I’m not Wolf Slippers.

by Lynn on December 13th, 2007 at 8:50 am
I think it has to do with the Y chromosome. Why did he do that?!

My hubby all the time keeps asking what do you want for Christmas, and knowing what money we either do or do not have I usually say “I do not know.” After 12 years of marriage and I still do this! Even when other family members ask I say the same thing. One day I just need to say “I want ….”, but I feel guilty for some strange reason. I always want our two kids to have a great Christmas and I tend to go a bit wild on them. Then I find all kinds of stuff for my hubby, then I get to open my presents that … well… hmmm.

Is it wrong that I look forward to the joke stuff that Santa leaves in our stockings?

by Donna on December 13th, 2007 at 10:20 am
‘And of course you’ll have time to relax now it’s Christmas, Father?’
‘Well not until after Christmas, hopefully. As a priest it is a busy time of year for us…’
‘Oh of course, I forgot!’

One of my ways of survival is to try to pinch the odd window of time where I can sneak off (hopefully unobserved) and take a cat nap to recharge…Otherwise, it can get very tiring very fast!!!

by Rudolf on December 13th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I bought my own presents one year (after the year of receiving 2 stupid gifts I don’t want OR need) and my husband got MAD MAD MAD. I then proceeded to explain to him that I do EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY and I’m the only person he has to think about. He says I’m the hardest person to buy for. Hello?!?! After being married for 12 years and being a couple for WAY longer than that, that excuse doesn’t sit well with me.

Now, I do make a point to celebrate the real reason for the season. We have birthday cake for dessert and sing “Happy Birthday to Jesus.” My dear hubby is the organist/choir director at church and it’s truly a magical time. I even stress to the kids that the reason we exchange gifts is because the 3 Wise Men broughts gifts to the Baby Jesus. But, come on now, I’d like to be thought of too!

by debbie on December 14th, 2007 at 11:57 am
And I’m not Wolf Slippers.

Words to live by.

Most of us are not size six either. Lovely for those who are — and if we could have your mailing address, the rest of us can send our undersized Christmas gifts your way.

Mr. Thrilling did give me a new frying pan last night — an Un-Christmas gift, which I thought was awfully sweet — and meant so much more than it would have beneath the Christmas tree.

by Diana on December 14th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Is it wrong that I look forward to the joke stuff that Santa leaves in our stockings?

That’s too funny. Ah, but there’s no pressure with the joke stuff, it’s “filler” and everyone can sort of relax and enjoy!

by Diana on December 14th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Well not until after Christmas, hopefully. As a priest it is a busy time of year for us…

That’s ironic, isn’t it? (A bit funny too.)

The sad thing is nowdays it isn’t just religiosi and Santa Claus, frantically busy this time of year — businesses in general focus on that end-of-year (End of Days for some of them) all-important financial finish line. Fewer and fewer companies make any effort to recognize what this season is — or should be about.

The company I formerly worked for — Satan’s Security Solutions — typically works all employees into the ground during December. Not only demanding weekends, but insisting on overtime hours on the weekends as well as the weeknights. Almost no one is allowed to take vacation during the winter months — ugh! Now I remember what I have to be grateful for this season…besides the obvious things of a roof over my head and food in my belly.

by Diana on December 14th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Debbie, that’s a lovely idea about the cake and singing happy birthday to baby Jesus. Nice way to refocus your children on what you want the season to mean to them.

I can see the practical side of buying your own gifts — especially if you’re as bad about taking stuff back as we are in my household! You’d think they’d appreciate it when we offer to buy our own stuff — especially since they seem to find the shopping for the right thing so stressful!

by Diana on December 14th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Diana,

I sympathize. Really, I do. Even though I don’t have a husband to deal with. The past couple of years, I haven’t given anyone in my family a list. Why? Because the last time I did, they didn’t get me a freaking thing I asked for. So I just gave up. And this year, they have the nerve to wonder WHY I didn’t make a list. Well, DUH! I have an aunt who NEVER buys me the right thing. It doesn’t matter if my mom tells her exactly what to buy right down to the color and size. She still gets it wrong. My brother, oddly enough, actually gets it right every year. I mean, really really right. He’s the only person in my family I can count on to give me the perfect gift each year. It’s scary how well he knows me.

by Traci on December 20th, 2007 at 6:46 am
My husband was Exactly the same as yours for the first five-ish years. All he has to buy was my gift, and I do everyone else (including his large family), and he always loves the things I surprise him with. I enjoy being a good giver and understand not everyone else enjoys the process. But I found it infuriating he seemed so intimidated by the thinking-ahead, since his consuming job requires lots of organization and follow-up, and getting a nice gift happening would require mere minutes with his kung fu skillz. I told him to set a reminder in the Crackberry, but I still kept getting less timely consideration than his administrative assistant. Aaaarrgh! My husband also prefers the spontaneous gift to the planned, but I enjoy anticipation and occasions. I can’t remember when I simply gave up, and accepted that my feelings were just going to be regularly bruised by the apparent inequity and thoughtlessness. Then, suddenly, he got better. He started asking for lists of specific things to choose from, and later, only needed guidelines. I’m always grateful to be thought of, and will always take a sentimental little thing over lavishness. But it took YEARS to convince him- I don’t know why- that I wasn’t out to get him and that he wasn’t being set up to fail. I just wanted SOMETHING uniquely for me from my closest friend. I don’t know that I’ll be whisked away on a surprise adventure anytime soon, but he’s way better now.

by Henway on December 20th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I don’t know that I’ll be whisked away on a surprise adventure
anytime soon, but he’s way better now.

I must say, Henway, that’s very encouraging!

by Diana on December 20th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
He’s the only person in my family I can count on to give me the perfect gift each year. It’s scary how well he knows me.

That’s very nice to hear!

And in fairness to Mr. Thrilling, he’s downstairs frantically wrapping presents even as we speak! So…maybe this is the year we see Christmas lights at the end of the tunnel.

by Diana on December 20th, 2007 at 5:50 pm

The Husband Trap

18 Responses to “The Husband Trap”

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