Things I said I’d never do
Each year, it seems, we get wiser… or at least gain a firmer grasp of our own… shall we call them shortcomings? We learn, for example, that several of the proclamations of naive youth turn out to be less attainable than we thought. For instance…
1) “If I had a child, I would never… (a) buy him/her three king-sized Snickers bars, a jumbo pack of Hubba Bubba and two pounds of Doritos at the grocery store register just for a few minutes of silence; (b) use ANYTHING but organically grown, biodegradable cloth diapers, EVER; or (c) find myself involved in judging a belching contest where length, aroma, and volume were key criteria.”
2) “If I had a house, I would NEVER live with a bathroom with mustard brown, semi-grouted tile, torn-up carpet, a complete and jarring lack of baseboards, and only one functioning faucet… especially not for NINE YEARS.”
And, finally…
3) “I would NEVER be one of those authors who didn’t properly read her contract and missed a deadline because of it!”
As the astute reader you are, you have probably guessed that I’ve spent the last two weeks furiously writing to meet an October 15 deadline that turned out to be September 15. Which I discovered after my sweet editor Signe e-mailed me to find out when exactly I planned to submit my overdue manuscript.
The book is now done, except for a liberally smattering of XXXs (two-hundred-and-fifty-two of them, to be precise) that must at some point be replaced with actual words. And the addition of a few references to a tattoo. It was a humbling experience, I tell you, and one I’m sure I’ll never have to go through again.
And if you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to the store with my son to pick up a few Snickers bars. They make a big difference in the children’s belching contests, I’ve found…
